Redefining Family

Sitting at the funeral of a beloved man, it was hard not to shed a tear. Reggie had cared for so many people during his life, my wife and I were just two of those people in a church that was filled beyond capacity on the day that Reggie was laid to rest.

Reggie believed in a beautiful truth; family was not defined by bloodline, name, or marriage; his Savior and LORD defined it.

During Reggie his lifetime, Reggie had seen the “American Family” shift from the traditional nuclear model of two parents, boy, girl, dog, and white-picked fence to the “modern family” of complex meandering families trees our culture sees today.  Yet, however culture’s idea of what family was changed, Reggie defined family as those who loved God and needed to experience God’s love. Reggie believed that God, as his father, desired to adopt all of his creation as his own. Therefore, Reggie sought to manifest the love that his heavenly father had for creation, but working to love and adopt everyone has a part of his family.

I remember the first time I was introduced to Reggie when I was dating my wife. Reggie looked at me and said, “Son, I hope you know what a wonderful girl you have here. You better take care of her.”

Even though Reggie was a shorter and thinner built man, I knew he was one not to mess with. I also knew that he cared for my wife more than just as a girl that had grown up in his church. Reggie was my wife’s spiritual grandfather.

A few years ago, I read a book called Families at the Crossroads: Beyond Traditional & Modern Options by an author, theologian, and thinker named Rodney Clapp. In this book, Clapp walks his readers through a survey of what families were like in the Hebrew world of the Ancient Near East compared in today’s culture. He details how families looked completely different in the Hebrew clan culture then they do today. Hebrew clans included grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles, kids, parents, friends, slaves, and even cows, sheep, and the local wondering dog. Everyone was family.

Clapp argues that in today’s world that families have been segregated, fragmented, and arranged to perpetuate isolation, consumption, and exclusion of the “other.” Each family is taught that they should have their own space separated from other families. Every home is filled with material good that take care your own and create your “own space.” This has ultimately created a culture of “hyper-individualism” where families and individuals only task is to care for themselves and their own “family.”

Family is not something that is constricted to a concrete understanding. The definition of family has always been fluid. In other words, the definition of family changes as culture changes. As mentioned above, we only have to look at our own society to see how the definition of family has changed over the last 50 years to see the truth of this reality.

In the gospel of Matthew, Jesus is told that his mother and brothers have arrived to see him. He responses by saying, “For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother” (Matthew 12:50).

Some have said that by saying this Jesus constructs a new way of thinking about family, but that is not true. Instead, Jesus is pointing back to a reality that existed in the culture of the Hebrews long before Jesus was on earth.

In the book of Deuteronomy, Moses stands addressing the nation of Israel before they are to enter into the promise land when he says,

“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. ⁵ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. ⁶ These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. ⁷ Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. ⁸ Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. ⁹ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.” (Deuteronomy 6:4-9)

Some thinkers in Christians circles have taken this verse and applied it to today’s definition of family saying, we have to focus on the family and make sure parents are raising their kids in the faith.

Clapp argues that when Christians do this, they are taking Deuteronomy 6:4-9 out of context because this verse is not meant to be read through context of the nuclear or modern family, but through the lens of the Hebrew community. When an adult heard Moses state, “impress them on your children…” they would not think of just their biological children, but of every single child in their community. Therefore, Moses was telling the People of God that it was all of their jobs to care for the faith life of the kids in their community, not just the responsibility of one’s biological parents.

After the death and resurrection of Jesus, the church picks up the Hebrew understanding of family and is to define family has Moses and Jesus did, as those who “do the will of the father.” This definition makes every child in the church a child of every adult in the church, every woman a sister, and every man a brother. The church becomes to new definition of family.

Clapp reminds us that as the church we are called by God to live out heaven here on Earth. In heaven, there will not be individualized family units living in suburbs, decorating their own personal living space for all of eternity. Heaven will be a family of everyone who has loved God throughout human history; we will not be broken up into family units. Just look what Jesus says in the gospel of John, “My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.” (John 14:2-3)

If we want to compare heaven to anything in our modern culture, it seems to look more like a commune then a suburban neighborhood.

In today’s world, we need to reclaim a Biblical view of family as community. In the book Hurt: Inside the World of Today’s Teenagers, Chap Clark presents his research that shows that by the time kids are 14 to 16, they feel that the adult community around them has abandoned them.

There are many factors that play a role in this reality. One of those factors is the way we define family.  When we buy into the idea that an adult’s only key job is to care for the upbringing of their own kids, it eliminates their desire to help raise other people’s children in the community. This communicates to teens that they are unwanted and uncared for by others in their community.

For example, one day I was with a group of teens at our church when a group of girls walked up to an adult in our community and asked that adult to go to lunch with our group of teenagers. The adult responded by saying, “I have my own lunch with my family, sorry.”

I could see the hope for true fellowship with other adults outside of the youth group leaders go right out of the dreams of this group of girls.

Prior to our individualized culture, communities use to view it as their responsibility to help raise every child within their community. Adults would help raise and care for each child until they had their own kids, then the cycle would repeat itself.

I am a bit of a dreamer. In my dreams I imagine a community that loves its kids and teens so much that they are willing to help raise every child in the faith. Where adults view it as their work to help every kids and teen grasp who they are as a child of God. I can see teens, kids, and adults sit around a table at lunch laughing, crying, and praying together.  During graduations from High School, at plays, or sports games, mom and dad are not the only one’s in the stands, but spiritual grandfathers like Reggie are there cheering along with other spiritual father, mothers, aunts, and uncles.

May you join me in bring in a Kingdom, community, and reality that looks more like that.