How to Receive Feedback, and Change

One thing God has been teaching me a lot lately through my Executive Pastor is the beauty of “feedback.” Now I know that might sound weird to those of you who do not like getting that phone call or email from an upset parent or an elder who thinks they know how to fix youth group, but trust me, it is for your good.

In John 21, Jesus presents a simple feedback model in confronting Peter on the beach. Most people don’t think of this passage as feedback, but a closer look reveals a deep message to Peter. It was only a few days earlier that Peter has standing in eye shot of Jesus, denying him 3 times. Now, Peter stands next to Jesus, as he who asks Peter simple question 3 times, “do you love me?” Peter might find this question weird or even upsetting, but we have to remember that the last time Peter was asked if he was a follower of Jesus, Peter denied him 3 times in a row.

This passage teaches us an important message about feedback, we will make mistakes, and not one of us is prefect. While we might not deny Jesus to a crowd of people, we will upset someone, treat someone as they should not have been treated, or make an assumption we were wrong about. In doing so, we might not deny Jesus, but we might deny that person the respect they deserve as a child of God.

Jesus continues to press Peter by asking him, “do you love me?” As Jesus does this, Peter’s feelings become hurt. Peter responses with tears in his eyes, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” Peter cannot believe that his Lord would ask such questions. Yet, like the typical Peter who pulls out a sword and cries out, “I will never deny you;” Peter does not get the purpose for this feedback.

Feedback has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with your actions or assumptions. What I mean when I say this is that when a person has feedback for you, they are not trying to say they “dislike” you, they just dislike what you did, or an assumption you have.

This reality can be the hardest aspect of accepting feedback, separating ourselves from our actions or assumptions. The important thing to keep in mind is that when a person is giving feedback to you, they are looking to fix what went wrong, not tell you how much they dislike you. If it does become that, that person moves from healthy feedback for the betterment of the situation, to anger.

Therefore, it is important to remember when giving a person feedback, to stick to how it makes you feel. What about their actions or assumption have hurt your feelings or communicated to you. Be as specific as you can. This helps the person you are giving feedback to change their actions or assumptions.

At the end of the text, Jesus says to Peter, “Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, “Follow me!”

Within the text is the assumption that Jesus’ feedback has caused Peter to change. He will no longer denied Jesus, has he once did. In fact, even when he is threatened with death, Peter did not deny Jesus.

Once we receive feedback, it is up to us to learn, respond, and change our actions or assumptions so that we will not make that same mistake again. In doing so, we make ourselves better people and we admit the simple fact that we are not prefect, that we will make mistakes. When we do make mistakes, feedback allows us to do as Peter did, acknowledge our wrongs and make them right.