On the first week of a new job, as I was introduced to the whole youth group, I opened by telling a story. The story I told was my story including I grew up, how my home life affected me, the things—both good and bad—that I did in Junior High and High School, how I came to faith, my journey with Christ and his Church after my conversation, and how I am happy to now be a part of that new community.
I opened with a story because one of the most important steps to creating a safe place has a lot to do with stories. As Dean Borgman in his book Hear My Story: Understanding the Cries of Troubled Youth reminds us, in a way every person’s life is a “story in progress”. God is a God of stories. Throughout scripture we find the unfolding of God’s salvation story: how God created, enters into relationship with his creation and works to redeem his creation Every person’s life story is deeply connected to the story of God’s work in the world. As ministers of God’s kingdom work, the church is to participate and join the work of God in the unfolding of his story of salvation.
Within the move from modernity to post-modernity we have seen a deconstruction of cultural shaping meta-narratives. In other words, post-modern philosophies have worked to break down and question cultural-shaping and religious-shaping narratives that work to form those cultural or religious communities. At the same time, post-modernism has highlighted the individual narrative over and against meta-narratives; meaning that an individual’s experience and background are more important in determining his/her religious beliefs and values. Experience is believed to be the god of one’s own beliefs.
Now imagine that an adolescent-aged student, who has grown up with this cultural understanding, is a member of a church where s/he is unable to wrestle through how scripture has anything to do with his/her experiences and story. More likely than not, a student’s experience will outweigh and overtake any moral, philosophical, or inspirational message that s/he hears preached from any pulpit. This means that if a student associates pain with God or the church in any way, s/he will see God or the church as the one who causes this pain. However, the opposite will happen if someone connects happiness and joy with God or their church experience.
This is where creating a safe place plays a vital role in establishing relationships with students. On my first Sunday at a new church I shared my story, and by doing this, I invited the community of students into my narrative. I shared my struggles, joy, triumphs, and myself to the students of my church community and welcomed them to become a part of my story. These students can no longer sit in the audience with questions of who I am, where I am from, what I am all about, or why I am a part of this community; they now know. By opening up my own life, I also communicated to each person that here, in this place, authenticity is important. (It is essential to remember that students are not your accountability partners, so be open but do not burden them. As a youth leader you have a responsibility to care for each student, not have him/her care for you. Your level of openness must be appropriate and is at your discretion. Through telling my story, I allowed the students to see that it is okay to struggle with faith, to raise questions, and to be real with others. The most important component of sharing my story is that I chose for this to happen in a safe place, communicating that this is a space for each student to do the same.
Creating a safe place for students does not happen overnight; it takes a long time and a lot of prayer. It is important to remember that many of the students in your youth group have been hurt by adults; and therefore, will be guarded against being hurt again, which is in part why it takes time and prayer. It is important that you pray that God will open up the hearts of the youth in your community. Remember, we are joining with the work of God who is already at work among our students. Take the time to be open to and to get to know your students; the more time you spend with them, getting to know them the more comfortable they will feel around you. This is also why it is so important to take time to be with your students outside of youth group; teens need to know that you care in order to feel safe. The best way to show students that you care about them is to spend time with them.
When you are spending time with adolescents make sure you have a predetermined reason or plan for what you will do; this will save you from spending too much time talking about nothing important. The goal of meeting and hanging out with students is to invite students to open up and share their story with you. If you are spending time talking about football or cheerleading the entire time, you are not using your time wisely, and you are being a friend, not a pastor. When going to meet with a student, unless a drastic event or incident comes up, make sure to have a ending time in mind, as well as a subject matter in mind. Throughout the meeting it is important to allow the student to feel like you do not have an agenda right out of the gate; take time to check in with them. If you do have an agenda, make sure to be clear about this when asking the student to meet. If s/he asks you to meet, make sure to allow him/her to direct the flow of the conversation, meaning s/he will talk at least 70% of the time. It is fruitful to take time to learn and practice the skill of directive listening; it is a good skill to have when entering into a counseling-like session. At the same time, directive listening allows the person to feel safe because they control the conversation topic, and you are there to help them process. Remember listen and become a learner before you speak. Take the time to invite your students to invite you into their story by listening. Only when we listen do we earn the right to speak.
During my transition of leaving my previous church community, I made sure to introduce someone to the guys I had been meeting with over the previous years, who would continue to make connections and be a support to them. During this process some of the boys opened up to this new person quicker than others, but there was one guy who still did not feel comfortable being completely real with the person taking my place when I left. After sitting down with this student a couple months after I left, I realized that he was scared of being judged for his shortcomings. Due to this student’s past, he has a lot of baggage he continues to struggle with, and when this student backslides into his old ways he needs to be shown a lot of grace from those around him.
There are many students much like this one, who need grace much more than they need judgment; in fact, it is impossible to create a safe place for students if judgment outweighs grace in our communities. If a student comes to you after falling, use it as a teaching moment where God’s grace can be seen, after all that is what Jesus did, just like in the story of the women caught in adultery. Every time a student comes to you, may you show him/her the same grace that Jesus did on that fateful day. Many students, because of their age, will displace their feelings about you onto God; if you are judgmental, so is God in their eyes.
We have covered four important aspects of creating a safe place: authenticity, taking time to get to know students and their stories, taking time to listen before talking, and remembering to be a conduit of God’s grace. While there are many other aspects that can help lead to creating a safe place for students, these are the four most important that translate no matter what your context is. Remember in a post-modern context safety is one of the most important environmental factors in developing a youth ministry that works to authentically reach students for Christ. Blessings as you look to see how these aspects might best work in your own youth ministry context.
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