“Tell me a story…” the words of a broken mother to her child rang out as the boy lay underneath an old computer table gently tugging on his mother’s nylons. He began to share a tale of tall buildings who wandered the world and a tribe of vampires whose will seemed to be to live in peace with their tall friends. Yet as the narrative unfolds the listener is told of a boy vampire, who looking to prove himself, bites one of the tall buildings only to have is own teeth broken against its harsh skin of steal. The boy vampire’s hopes were soon dashed to the ground, now he would be perpetually made fun of as the vampire with no teeth; his life forever changed, he is now an outcast, all because of a simple bite.
The imagination of boys around the world has been highlighted in children’s books and stories for ages, though no book captures this better than Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak. Through the use of words and pictures, a boy named Max’s imagination comes to life in a far off land where he is king of a group of characters only known as “The Wild Things.” Yet, this weekend the long time beloved children’s book came to life in the movie adaptation of the book directed by Spike Jones.
In the movie Max is a boy about the age of eight who comes from a single parent household who is caught somewhere between reality and his imagination as he seeks to deal with the things that life has brought his way. One night while trapped in his imagination he requests his mom’s attention for what seems to Max as a routine trip to outer space in his combined fort and spaceship. Max’s hopes for his mom to join his journey are ruined when he finds her downstairs on a date with a strange man. What comes next might only seem like the antics of an eight-year-old boy, but are so much more. Not knowing quite how to deal with the emotions rushing to his mind, Max complains, yells, stands on a table, and hurts his mom by biting her. Somehow the boy’s story of the vampire comes to life, and in biting his mom he causes himself to be an outcast within the family. In reaction to the combination of him hurting his mom and her subsequent yelling at him, Max runs out of the house, down the street, into a forest, onto a boat, and off to a far away land.
On an island which seems the be the middle of the no where, Max stumbles upon “The Wild Things,” which can only be described as monsters who are character representations of aspects of Max’s emotional state. These monsters have been living in this distant land for many years as friends. Despite their friendship, it seems that they cannot get along. Carol, one of the Wild Things, persuaded his friends to crown Max as king, convinced that his presence would bring peace and harmony. It is this gesture that brings Max and Carol together as friends who will work collectively to bring to life Carol’s dreams.
Despite Max’s best attempts, things do not work out; the anger, resentment, and frustration live on. Carol, broken by the fact that his hopes for peace have failed goes on a rampage to rid the world of Max, whom escapes his bitter end with the help of K.W., who hides him from Carol. It is in the hiding place of K.W.’s stomach that Max experiences the power of imprudent anger.
Upon this realization Max recognizes he must return home to reconcile his relationship with his mother. Yet, first working to reconcile his own relationship with Coral, he returns to Coral’s place of hidden imagination, making a heart out of sticks with a “C” in the center, which is a sign of friendship and love between the two. As Max sets off for home he is celebrated, as well as missed, by all of the Wild Things expect Carol. Upon finding the heart, Carol runs with all of his might to see Max off. When he arrives at the beach Max is already cast off on his journey, but Carol cries out his love for Max with a yelp and Max turns around with a smile, communicating his love back to Carol in a reciprocated howl.
Max reaches the coast and begins running home as if in a race against no one to get to his mother. Max arrives findings him mom sitting, looking as if she had been crying for hours. Seeing each other, both Max and his mom embrace with needing no words, only physical comfort. During the hour and a half theatric experience a story of the hurt of today’s society, the self-realization of a young boy, and the collective redemption of all of the characters unfolds amongst the tale of a boy within his imagination.
There is something hidden within the adventure that unfolds on the screen that the Church needs to hear—a message of redemption. Max’s redemption, both within himself and with his mother, comes about through a type of inner searching. Yet, we as the Church know that the redemption of humanity comes about only by the movement of God, within his people, through the power of the Spirit. Sadly, many times people miss what God is doing because they are too preoccupied with other things. This is why it is vital to create time to spend with God, in order that he might search us and show us the places in our lives where we are in need of redemption. With all the noise and distractions that plague our culture daily, there is a necessity for intentionally taking time to let God take a hold of our imagination; to take our mind, heart, and soul on an adventure of self-awareness and redemption. Throughout the gospels Jesus goes off by himself and spends time with his father, allowing himself to be shaped by God. Take one minute and think about the adventures within himself the spirit of God must have taken Jesus on…through the pain of lost loved ones, through the excitement of friendship, and the disappointments of humanity. There is no place where this type of adventure becomes clearer than in the garden of Gethsemane. It is here that Jesus comes face to face with the reality of what will happen on the cross, the pain and beauty of what is about to take place. Can you imagine the adventure that occurred within Jesus during that time—the characters, friendship, problems, joy, pain, and realization of redemption that must have happened within our Lord?
When we allow ourselves to be in solitude, to let our imagination go, and get on the boat to a far off land; we allow the Lord take us on an adventure within our own hearts, minds, and souls. The movie does not address where he went or what truly happened to Max, if he really journeyed to a far off land or whether is was a figurative adventure, but that is not the point. The point is that wherever he goes, or does not go, Max finds redemption, both within himself and with those who are a part of his family and community. May you allow yourself to go on an adventure, to quiet yourself, empty your mind, and allow your Lord to take the reigns on a path to redemption.
October 23, 2009
October 16, 2009
Something Teens Need, A Safe Place
Over the last week, maybe because of the topic of this blog, I have begun to notice the need people have for a safe space. By a safe space I mean a place where one can be with others, have one’s needs meet, and feel comfortable to be oneself no matter what one is going through, happy or sad, joyful or depressed; everyone needs a place where they can just feel safe. For many this is their own home, but what I have noticed as of late is that this safe place for many in our country, especially adolescents, is becoming more limited. Instead of families being what David Elkind calls, “child-centered,” where the well-being of the children is put first and parents sacrifice to meet their needs; families have become “adult-centered” where the well-being of the adult elevated above the children’s.1 For many years the home was a place of safety where children were cared for and loved, but the home does not have the same feel that it once had because children are on longer the focus of family life; the needs and wants of the parents are instead. This is further heightened once a child becomes a teen as they struggle to find his/her own identity within a place where their needs are put on the back burner, replaced by their parents desires. This creates a residence that no longer brings feelings of peace and safety, encouraging self-discovery, but instead feelings of loneliness, discomfort, and tension.
When I lead a focus group of high school students, a majority of the students confided in me that they felt they had no place where they felt safe and no one they felt safe around. One student commented that he did not trust anyone, “not even his best friends.” I was surprised when a sophomore pregnant teen confessed that she wouldn’t even tell her darkness secrets to anyone—not her mom, dad, or her boyfriend of 3 years, who was the father-to-be. I am not sure why either teen felt this way, but what was obvious was that they did not feel safe enough to be honest with the people in their lives.
Many teens today feel just as these two did; they hide everything because they are scared of letting others see deep inside themselves. Many feel that if they reveal their struggles they will be judged, others believe that no one really understands what they are going through, while others just lack trust in any adult or friend, and therefore lock all of their emotions inside. For instance, one student I worked with for 4 years had never met his dad and lived with his mom for his whole life. After getting to know the student it became clear that he never opened up to the men in his life because he did not trust them due to his experiences with men in the past. It took almost 3 and half years for the young man to start opening up to me just because I was a male, when he opened up very quickly to almost any woman in his life.
The environment that people grow up in affects them. Sadly, today kids are treated more like their parents’ play toy instead of a real person. Parents make their children play sports they do not want to, pressure them to be good at all they do, to get straight A’s in school, want them to look and be prefect, give kids anything they want just so they will leave their parents alone, and when a child finally confides their parents, the parents make the children’s issues more about themselves than their own child. On top of that many parents have bought into the myth that kids just want to be left alone. It is not that kids want to be left alone; it is that they need someone to seek them out. It is for reasons like these that many teens do not trust adults today, but sadly teens need adults to be involved in their lives.2 It is no wonder that depression is hitting kids younger and younger.3 Teens have become isolated from the adult communities they need more than ever.
As we have seen over the last couple of weeks, youth need adults to care for them. In fact, Chap Clark, professor of youth, family, and culture at Fuller Theological Seminary believes that for a teen to best navigate through adolescence they need at least five adults, who are involved in their lives, truly care for them, and point them toward Jesus.4 This is why in his book, Disconnected, Chap and Dee Clark urge parents to invite others to be involved in the process of raising a child.5
At the same time, adults must realize that youth regularly need time and space just to be youth. They need a safe place to struggle, mess up, learn, and grow where they will not be judged, but be loved and coached. Youth need to have fun, mess around, and be teens; we cannot rush teens into adulthood because this is another way of abandoning them. The important thing to remember is that this safe place is within an adult community, not away from one.
This is where the Church comes in. The Church needs to create and be a place where teens can feel safe and cared for, where they can struggle and be teens. Youth group plays an integral role in this process. Youth group can be a place where they can be with others in community, have their needs meet, and feel safe. (Next week we will explore how the church might become that safe place for youth and talk a little about what that place might look like)
1 Elkind, David, Ties That Stress: The New Family Imbalance, (First Harvard University Press, Cambridge, Massachusetts, 1994), 38-62
2 Clark, Chap and Dee Clark Disconnected: Parenting Teen in a Myspace World, (Baker Books, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 2007), 35
3 Twenge, Jean M. Ph.D., Generation Me: Why Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled and More Miserable Than Ever Before, (Free Press, New York, 2006), 107
4 Clark, Chap, Introduction to Youth Ministry, Fuller Theological Seminary, Fall of 2007
5 (Clark and Clark, Disconnected, 178 – 193)
When I lead a focus group of high school students, a majority of the students confided in me that they felt they had no place where they felt safe and no one they felt safe around. One student commented that he did not trust anyone, “not even his best friends.” I was surprised when a sophomore pregnant teen confessed that she wouldn’t even tell her darkness secrets to anyone—not her mom, dad, or her boyfriend of 3 years, who was the father-to-be. I am not sure why either teen felt this way, but what was obvious was that they did not feel safe enough to be honest with the people in their lives.
Many teens today feel just as these two did; they hide everything because they are scared of letting others see deep inside themselves. Many feel that if they reveal their struggles they will be judged, others believe that no one really understands what they are going through, while others just lack trust in any adult or friend, and therefore lock all of their emotions inside. For instance, one student I worked with for 4 years had never met his dad and lived with his mom for his whole life. After getting to know the student it became clear that he never opened up to the men in his life because he did not trust them due to his experiences with men in the past. It took almost 3 and half years for the young man to start opening up to me just because I was a male, when he opened up very quickly to almost any woman in his life.
The environment that people grow up in affects them. Sadly, today kids are treated more like their parents’ play toy instead of a real person. Parents make their children play sports they do not want to, pressure them to be good at all they do, to get straight A’s in school, want them to look and be prefect, give kids anything they want just so they will leave their parents alone, and when a child finally confides their parents, the parents make the children’s issues more about themselves than their own child. On top of that many parents have bought into the myth that kids just want to be left alone. It is not that kids want to be left alone; it is that they need someone to seek them out. It is for reasons like these that many teens do not trust adults today, but sadly teens need adults to be involved in their lives.2 It is no wonder that depression is hitting kids younger and younger.3 Teens have become isolated from the adult communities they need more than ever.
As we have seen over the last couple of weeks, youth need adults to care for them. In fact, Chap Clark, professor of youth, family, and culture at Fuller Theological Seminary believes that for a teen to best navigate through adolescence they need at least five adults, who are involved in their lives, truly care for them, and point them toward Jesus.4 This is why in his book, Disconnected, Chap and Dee Clark urge parents to invite others to be involved in the process of raising a child.5
At the same time, adults must realize that youth regularly need time and space just to be youth. They need a safe place to struggle, mess up, learn, and grow where they will not be judged, but be loved and coached. Youth need to have fun, mess around, and be teens; we cannot rush teens into adulthood because this is another way of abandoning them. The important thing to remember is that this safe place is within an adult community, not away from one.
This is where the Church comes in. The Church needs to create and be a place where teens can feel safe and cared for, where they can struggle and be teens. Youth group plays an integral role in this process. Youth group can be a place where they can be with others in community, have their needs meet, and feel safe. (Next week we will explore how the church might become that safe place for youth and talk a little about what that place might look like)
1 Elkind, David, Ties That Stress: The New Family Imbalance, (First Harvard University Press, Cambridge, Massachusetts, 1994), 38-62
2 Clark, Chap and Dee Clark Disconnected: Parenting Teen in a Myspace World, (Baker Books, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 2007), 35
3 Twenge, Jean M. Ph.D., Generation Me: Why Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled and More Miserable Than Ever Before, (Free Press, New York, 2006), 107
4 Clark, Chap, Introduction to Youth Ministry, Fuller Theological Seminary, Fall of 2007
5 (Clark and Clark, Disconnected, 178 – 193)
October 9, 2009
A Tale of Two Experiences: What To Do?
Church was not always this way, separating youth from the adult community as is seen in the two different examples given below. Looking at the New Testament Church one can see that there was no separation of youth, children, or adults from each other. In fact, families all participated in church together. In his book, Families At the Crossroads, Rodney Clapp takes his readers even back further into the Bible, venturing back into the time where Israel was ruled by its own judges, not kings. Clapp argues that families knew nothing of the privatization of today’s world; instead, as in Joshua 7:17, several households, consisting of married groups of people, formed clans, which then constituted a tribe. There were many reasons for this grouping of families, such as survival and industry, as in Judges 6, but these clans also participated in caring for helping children develop their faith in God (Deut. 6:4).
In the time of the Church things are to operate a little differently according to Jesus. In Mark 3:31-35, Jesus redefines the definition of family as: “whoever does the will of God.” He even goes further in Matthew 10:35-36 to state, “I have come to turn man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law, your enemies will be those in your own household.” Jesus continues to say in verse 37, “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me.” Within the Kingdom of God and the Church, families are redefined. They no longer are made up of what we know today as the nuclear family; instead family is anyone who confesses Jesus as Lord. This is where the Church comes in. The Church becomes the people who are to raise and disciple the new believer, child, and/or teenager. Theologians Stanley Hauerwas and William H. Willmon take Jesus’ words and draw out its theology, arguing that the Church is to be the family of God, within which both faith and ethics are to be developed.
So how can a church change this? How can we help students feel connected and become connected to the adult community? Well, first let me say that knowing that things need to change is the first step. Now that you see why things need to change, the second step is getting the rest of the staff, and maybe even the elder board, to see why things need to change also. Remember, change, especially in the church, even with staff members and elders, is never a quick process; it takes time, patience, prayer, many conversations, and discernment. In a way taking this step is ultimately asking your church’s culture to change, and people do not like to change, especially when you are asking them to change what they have become very comfortable with. Therefore, it is important to direct change and cast the vision to your church community. Remember change needs to happen in the heart before it can happen within the community. Therefore it is important to be in prayer and asking God’s guidance throughout this process because he is the one that changes hearts and minds for the glory of his kingdom, not us. At the same time, it is important to discern based on your church’s theology, tradition, and culture how God might be calling your church community to start becoming more youth friendly. While you are talking to the pastoral staff and elder board, you should also begin to start conversations with the student body and working to change the culture in your youth ministry itself. Students may be uncomfortable with the idea at first because it is so out of the norm for them, so take baby steps. I have found that a good first step is starting conversations with youth where you do a lot more listening than talking. In many cases the answer lies within the issues. What I mean by this is, ask your students why they do not like coming to “big church,” and trust me, if you have an honest relationship with them, they will be brutally honest with you. Use this information to see what might need to change in order to get youth to want to become involved. Don’t use names, but this information could also be a helpful tool in helping your staff or elders to see the need for change.
Once you start to work to change hearts and minds for Christ’s kingdom, move forward with programs little by little, but remember don’t just program change, pray over it, preach it, and live it. All programming should reflect a larger purpose, God’s. The programs should be things that get students and adults to interact with one another so that they get to know each other and build relationships with one another. One example is doing a church workday and pairing up teams of adults with teams of youth to work on things together. Another example is doing a church basketball league where you create teams of four with two adults and two youth.
After you feel like progress is being made and youth and adults are connecting and hearts are changing, take the step and start including them in the processes of Sunday morning services. If you start with this step, it might feel too quick for some people in the church, that is why I suggest trying to do this further down the road in the process than at the beginning. Getting youth involved with the community during the church service not only helps them create ownership, but they are also able to see themselves as a part of the church community, not just the youth group. Some churches feel that it is best not to hold youth group or youth bible study while a main church service is going on so that youth can be a part of the service every week. Ultimately, while I think this is best, it is at the discretion of your pastoral staff to discern for your community.
Let me say at the end that I am not advocating that youth lose their own space, because in many ways that is just as important as helping to develop an adult community for them. In fact that is subject we turn to next week. Creating space to care for youth in our community and how we can work to meet their specific needs.
But until then, remember what we have covered over the last three weeks, and that youth are in a place in society and culture where they have never been before. Therefore the church must join in God’s redeeming work in the world, helping him redeem his youth through the work of the spirit in the church. As a youth leader it is your job to serve, leads, casts the vision, and create the goals for the future of God’s youth. The hope is that youth will become a vital part of the church community, that they will organically develop relationships with adults in their community, and they will grow and develop in adults who love and follow Jesus. May this way of doing church becomes such a part of the culture that it is prayed for, preached, and lived out in every aspect of the community’s life together.
In the time of the Church things are to operate a little differently according to Jesus. In Mark 3:31-35, Jesus redefines the definition of family as: “whoever does the will of God.” He even goes further in Matthew 10:35-36 to state, “I have come to turn man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law, your enemies will be those in your own household.” Jesus continues to say in verse 37, “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me.” Within the Kingdom of God and the Church, families are redefined. They no longer are made up of what we know today as the nuclear family; instead family is anyone who confesses Jesus as Lord. This is where the Church comes in. The Church becomes the people who are to raise and disciple the new believer, child, and/or teenager. Theologians Stanley Hauerwas and William H. Willmon take Jesus’ words and draw out its theology, arguing that the Church is to be the family of God, within which both faith and ethics are to be developed.
So how can a church change this? How can we help students feel connected and become connected to the adult community? Well, first let me say that knowing that things need to change is the first step. Now that you see why things need to change, the second step is getting the rest of the staff, and maybe even the elder board, to see why things need to change also. Remember, change, especially in the church, even with staff members and elders, is never a quick process; it takes time, patience, prayer, many conversations, and discernment. In a way taking this step is ultimately asking your church’s culture to change, and people do not like to change, especially when you are asking them to change what they have become very comfortable with. Therefore, it is important to direct change and cast the vision to your church community. Remember change needs to happen in the heart before it can happen within the community. Therefore it is important to be in prayer and asking God’s guidance throughout this process because he is the one that changes hearts and minds for the glory of his kingdom, not us. At the same time, it is important to discern based on your church’s theology, tradition, and culture how God might be calling your church community to start becoming more youth friendly. While you are talking to the pastoral staff and elder board, you should also begin to start conversations with the student body and working to change the culture in your youth ministry itself. Students may be uncomfortable with the idea at first because it is so out of the norm for them, so take baby steps. I have found that a good first step is starting conversations with youth where you do a lot more listening than talking. In many cases the answer lies within the issues. What I mean by this is, ask your students why they do not like coming to “big church,” and trust me, if you have an honest relationship with them, they will be brutally honest with you. Use this information to see what might need to change in order to get youth to want to become involved. Don’t use names, but this information could also be a helpful tool in helping your staff or elders to see the need for change.
Once you start to work to change hearts and minds for Christ’s kingdom, move forward with programs little by little, but remember don’t just program change, pray over it, preach it, and live it. All programming should reflect a larger purpose, God’s. The programs should be things that get students and adults to interact with one another so that they get to know each other and build relationships with one another. One example is doing a church workday and pairing up teams of adults with teams of youth to work on things together. Another example is doing a church basketball league where you create teams of four with two adults and two youth.
After you feel like progress is being made and youth and adults are connecting and hearts are changing, take the step and start including them in the processes of Sunday morning services. If you start with this step, it might feel too quick for some people in the church, that is why I suggest trying to do this further down the road in the process than at the beginning. Getting youth involved with the community during the church service not only helps them create ownership, but they are also able to see themselves as a part of the church community, not just the youth group. Some churches feel that it is best not to hold youth group or youth bible study while a main church service is going on so that youth can be a part of the service every week. Ultimately, while I think this is best, it is at the discretion of your pastoral staff to discern for your community.
Let me say at the end that I am not advocating that youth lose their own space, because in many ways that is just as important as helping to develop an adult community for them. In fact that is subject we turn to next week. Creating space to care for youth in our community and how we can work to meet their specific needs.
But until then, remember what we have covered over the last three weeks, and that youth are in a place in society and culture where they have never been before. Therefore the church must join in God’s redeeming work in the world, helping him redeem his youth through the work of the spirit in the church. As a youth leader it is your job to serve, leads, casts the vision, and create the goals for the future of God’s youth. The hope is that youth will become a vital part of the church community, that they will organically develop relationships with adults in their community, and they will grow and develop in adults who love and follow Jesus. May this way of doing church becomes such a part of the culture that it is prayed for, preached, and lived out in every aspect of the community’s life together.
October 2, 2009
A Tale of Two Experiences (Part 1)
I visited a church on Sunday that I never been to before. Entering into a new church community for the first time can be somewhat awkward. It seems that all churches develop a routine over time that is foreign to anyone who first visits. As my fellow visitor and I walked to the front and found our seats close to the front middle, 3 or 4 different people greeted us on our way. Once in our seats we patiently waited for the service to start. As people began to file in, greet their friends, and find their seats we couldn’t help but notice there was no large section of youth sitting together in the back corner away from any adults who they might have come with. Instead the youth were everywhere: back at the power point station, sitting next to their parents, kicking back among adults who looked nothing like them, and up front in the worship team. As the service continued on it was clear that at this church the youth were not just passive observers. Before the sermon a student got up and read the passage for the day, another prayed a prayer for the community, and a student even helped administer the Lord’s Supper! I could not believe it, I felt as if I had walked into a different church universe.
In high school I was sort of the star kid in youth group, not to toot my own horn, but I was. Anyways, even as the star kid I was never asked to participate in the adult church service, as I was not allowed to, and maybe even forbidden to. Instead every Sunday morning after the youth group, I either ran off to the beach, telling my pastor I could find more connection to God in the water then in a boring church service where I was expected to passively sit and listen to another sermon, when I had just come from listening to one or I sat passively in the back of the “big service” because my youth pastor promised to buy lunch if we went the “big service.” Needless to say, I was very disconnected from anything or anybody in my church other than those involved in the youth ministry. And after graduating from high school I went off to college and I did step inside a church, unless my parents forced me, for 3 years.
Sadly to say, today many youth feel the same way or similarly to the same way I did in high school. Looking back I realize that the reason I hated going to “big church” was because I did not feel like I belonged. I did not feel like the pastor spoke in my language, I did not feel like anyone cared if I was there or not, and I never was asked to become involved in the service at all.
(More to come soon :)
In high school I was sort of the star kid in youth group, not to toot my own horn, but I was. Anyways, even as the star kid I was never asked to participate in the adult church service, as I was not allowed to, and maybe even forbidden to. Instead every Sunday morning after the youth group, I either ran off to the beach, telling my pastor I could find more connection to God in the water then in a boring church service where I was expected to passively sit and listen to another sermon, when I had just come from listening to one or I sat passively in the back of the “big service” because my youth pastor promised to buy lunch if we went the “big service.” Needless to say, I was very disconnected from anything or anybody in my church other than those involved in the youth ministry. And after graduating from high school I went off to college and I did step inside a church, unless my parents forced me, for 3 years.
Sadly to say, today many youth feel the same way or similarly to the same way I did in high school. Looking back I realize that the reason I hated going to “big church” was because I did not feel like I belonged. I did not feel like the pastor spoke in my language, I did not feel like anyone cared if I was there or not, and I never was asked to become involved in the service at all.
(More to come soon :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)